“I felt like a horrible person”…

That was what I post on Twitter a few days back without explaining why. The truth is I felt like a horrible person because I spoke so ill about my ex, Mike. I don’t speak ill about any of my ex, to be honest. Whether our breakups was amicable or not, I don’t speak ill about them because they are good people. Even the one that hurts me.

Because as I grow older, I have come to an understanding that some decisions are hard to make. Things changed. There are more grey areas than black and white.

 

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And we make decision we are not proud of and face some really sad consequences

But with Mike, I was vicious and I know exactly why.

The truth was when I met Mike, I thought I was done.

I thought I have met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know I probably have said this, but that was what I felt about our relationship. It sucks to know for him, it was just, I don’t know. A game? I am also very aware that this will make me look so pathetic. But I did love him. He was my world. When revelations after revelations, I have come to an understanding that I love a very wrong person. He never loved me as much as I love him and he will never be able to do that. He wasn’t raised well enough to have a lot of love in his heart.

People said hate is stronger than love – and trust me. I totally agree with this. That’s why I don’t want to hate him. The opposite of love is not to hate. The opposite of love is indifferent. I want to be indifferent about him, which is possible. But it will be awhile before I can get over that intense feeling of love that I had for him. I can’t love someone else before I am fully recovered.

Maybe I will never fully recovered, but at least I don’t impose my emotional baggage to someone else.

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Yes, Mike.

You happened to me. I did love you. I did fight for you. For the longest time. That was the reason it was hard for me to accept how much of a liar are you and how horrible you are to me with your lies, deceit, secrets and selfishness. And you know what hurts the most? While you always said you love me to the core, you never once fight for me, and that was what I always wanted.

Hell.

You can’t even wish me Happy Birthday.

Mike used to call me a lot of hurtful things. But one of the thing that stick the most was that Mike used to call me fake. He said I am trying to portray that I am such a perfect person on social media especially my Instagram. The truth is, I am not perfect.

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I am all these.

But portraying perfection on my Instagram was not my aim. Portraying I am a perfect little woman is also not my aim. My aim is to speak through my mistakes. My aim was maybe in a certain way some people could learn from me and not make the same fucked up mistakes that I did. After all, I am a teacher. I don’t even want people to idolise me. Truthfully, it makes me uncomfortable because I am scared I won’t be able to meet their expectations because I know how flawed I am as a human being.

Some people told me I should have not written about him anymore.

“He is evil. He will only think that he won because he managed to hurt you to this extent. All he wants was to hurt you.” – Maybe my friends are right. Maybe my post about him will give him a sense of gratification if he ever read this. But I no longer care about what he thinks or don’t think. It is important for me to materialise my emotion into words because that is my part of healing. I am okay now, to be honest.

I am not in a bad place. I am in a much better place. Being far from bad memories has helped. The only issue here is that I am not capable of loving anyone yet. I know how love looks like. Love was what I felt for Mike. For him, I would literally do everything. Travelled across the continents. Lose my sleep. Leave my job and my country. I love him that much. Until my heart tells me I am capable of loving someone like that again, I prefer to be by myself. Plus, I did so many mistakes when I was with him too. My feeling was very misplaced. I should have left him on the first red flags but I ignored it.

I am too careful to make that kind of mistake again.

And here is the big question, do I still love him?

I don’t know. It wasn’t easy to forget a love as intense as that. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me and if he does, why he didn’t anything about it?

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And then I realised another thing too. He didn’t.

Because if he misses me, he would have fight for me – a long, long time ago.

Again, do I still love him?

Love is a big word and what I felt probably wasn’t love. It was a painful scar I need to be recovered from, and I am taking my time.

Am I still sad about it?

Sometimes it crosses my mind. But like I said in my previous post, I am in a much better place now. I want to stay here in my happy place. Until one day, I eventually will be able to love again with all my heart and to have that other person that love me as much.

Until next post. ❤

 

 

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