Apparently Still Not Ready For Relationship

I would like to apologise to some of you that you have to read my last emotion post. I am not proud of that post at all. But the truth is, I find it rather annoying and incredibly irritating that even after I have changed my new blog address, some people from my past which I would like to forget still able to find it.

Like, seriously? Don’t you have life?

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However, since I have already moved on from negativity caused by the past, I should not be bothered by it anymore.But in some small ways, I still do.

I am writing this from The Netherlands. I have like 10 days break, and I don’t feel like spending it alone and rotten in Switzerland, so I have decided to fly in and stay with one of my closest friend, Victor. We always had a great time together. His apartment, albeit small, is also another home for me. Plus, we had a plan to have a reunion with my friend, Patricia in Brussels which went absolutely great.

What has happened since my last post?

Let me see.

Professionally, I am gearing up for a lot of things. Scholarship application, proposal submission, I need to be very clear where my thesis is going, and my speech in Geneva is coming up in less that two weeks, so I have a lot of preparation to do as well. Realising this somehow gave me an anxiety attack last night.

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I find it hard to sleep when I am anxious about a lot of things. But I guess, all of us should just take one day at a time. Usually, when I have this kind mode and mood where I am worried about absolutely everything, I take a deep breath and tell myself, I will be okay. I will tell myself that I have been here before and I will be fine.

I guess all of us have been there before. Anxiety will always be that monster lurking at the back of our mind and soul waiting for the right moment to strike.

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And for my monster I would like to believe he looks like Cookie Monster from Sesama Street that can be appeased by eating a lot of cookies

 

And now, about my personal life?

Let’s see.

Listen – Some amazing things happen when you keep your mind and your heart open. I am very clear about me not being able to in relationship until all my personal emotional baggage is under control (which something I will want to talk about in the near future) however, that notion alone does not necessarily mean that I am dismissing going on dates all together. Going on dates are a fun thing to do. My research is not fun. It’s a serious job. But going on dates are fun!

I have been talking to this British guy – with the name Drew, for a while until he mentioned to me that he is a professional paraglider and he can fly another person with him. I think the term is Tandem paragliding. He offered to take me paragliding on a beautiful sunny day in Interlaken. I, being the adrenalin junkie wannabe (I am not even one but I was crazy enough to do it) of course I said YES to that kind of offer. Plus, Paragliding in Switzerland is so fucking expensive. Someone want to take me on a first date for paragliding, I will say Hell Yes.

And guess what? The experience is simply mind blowing. Something I will never forget in my life and some thing I will always be so grateful to Drew.

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I am not only happy because the paragliding was exhilarating, but I am also happy because the date went so well too. After the extreme activities, Drew and I went to another small Swiss town call Thun, and we spent an afternoon talking about life, travels, politics and everything else. We didn’t run out of anything to talk about. Being 5 years older than me, Drew knew a lot of things and very well travelled too. Even though, he is not one of those men I would describe as hot. Not like Alex. But he is a great person, and I feel at ease with him. There is a sense of calmness in him.

The next day, as part of his life-changing journey, he texted me about joining a dancing class. He would like to it in Bern once a week (he lives in Interlaken which is like 50km away) and wondering if I would like to join this dance class with him too. I told him I don’t mind joining but the next few months, I will be travelling a lot for my research, and I will only be back to Bern in August, and I don’t think he will want to wait that long.

He said, “We shall see.”

I might read this a completely wrong way but I am suspicious that the dance class is just an excuse for him to come to Bern once a week to see me if I agree to go with him. Either way, I find it really sweet that he is willing to do that.

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That is so sweet 🙂

 

I used to date a guy that can’t even pick me up from the train station in the middle of the night so the idea of a guy would go to a great length to get to know one another is flattering.

Next personal story:

If you guys still remember Simeon, he is the German Executive Pilot I was telling you about. The one that flew to Malaysia for a week to spend time with me and my entire family two years ago? Yes. Him.

Before I come to Holland, I sent to his Whatsapp all my travelling schedule. I will be in Holland for 10 days, Bern for another 10 days, and then Geneva for a week. I think after that I will be in Italy, but I am not sure yet.

Knowing his crazy schedule, the only way we can meet is if he is flying in where I am. I told him, “Maybe you will be magically able to be where I am.”

Three days later he called and said he will be in Amsterdam the next day and it was fun to spend the whole of those time with him. He always brings with him beautiful, expensive gifts because he was raised well and he has class. We talked about dating each other seriously, but that is something I told him I would rather just see where this is going. I like my status quo for now.

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He is one of the kindest soul I know

 

You see, in my previous relationship – (I still want to talk about that because I hope it will become a lesson to whoever reading this), I asked my Ex a million times to come and visit me in KL. He is the guy that told me he will die for me. Like literally, he said he will do anything to make me happy. But I don’t ask him to go and die for me. God, no. I asked him to come and visit his own girlfriend that he claimed he loves very much. He refused to do so for various made up reason. That is when I know he actually never really loves me. He is just a horrible, greedy psychopath that manipulating me into believing he does.

I asked him to come and visit his own girlfriend that he claimed he loves very much. He refused to do so for various made up reason. That is when I know he actually never really loves me. He is just a horrible, selfish, greedy psychopath that manipulating me into believing he does.

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The reason why I know is that I literally have men visiting me from where ever for as little as meeting me at a Cafe. One of my previous ex-met me in a cafe in Greece and 4 weeks later he was in Malaysia asking me to be his girlfriend. When men love you, he doesn’t make excuses. He wants to be with you – no doubt.

My last ex on the other hands was just a crazy manipulative asshole – which some of you might recognise in your own circles.

To conclude today’s story, here are three key points. I have the whole load of shit to do when it comes to my work. Dating has been going on very well, but I still don’t want to be in a relationship, and I still need to work on my disappointments with myself when it comes to my past relationship.

Time to get back to work.

A Presto, Tesoro Mio! ❤

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