Saturday, 18 February 2017
Have you ever watched movies where the scene was a hopeful girl walking around town in hopeful mood and appreciating every little tiny thing? I am that annoying little girl today. Or actually, every day since I move back to Europe.
I smiled at little babies. I noticed the beauty in the sunshine. I appreciate the small friendly gestures of a stranger. I see colours in everything. I also walked for hours. I was really happy.
I am already here three weeks now to write my PhD Research. After a long week of doing research and writing, today I decided to take a break and went on a date with a cute Swiss architect. The date went okay. We spent three hours talking about life, travels and different cultures. He was not as tall as I hope because I am so used to tall guys but he is very pleasant and he has a really cute smile. It was nice.
It was nice.
But the highlight was not really about the date.
The highlight of my day was about how hopeful I am today. How many things has changed and how all the heartbreak seems like a million years ago.
People are right actually. Changing of scenery can really change someone’s perspective. A lot.
Here’s the thing, before I move here, I was actually expecting a total emotional meltdown at a certain point. I live abroad before – in The Netherlands for two years. I moved there to be with my ex-boyfriend whom I got engaged later on. I was living with him, the man that I loved with all my heart and even then during those times, I occasionally had a mental and an emotional breakdown because I missed home a lot. I still remember three weeks after I move to Holland, I found myself (he found me too) lying on the floor in our store room sobbing my eyes out because I couldn’t cope with the changes. It was horrible.
I was expecting it will be worst for me this time around because I am completely, completely alone. I am totally waiting for that moment to come now.
But that moment never comes. At least for now.
Except for the first day my family left me here alone and went back to our country. They came with me to Europe last month and spent one week in Switzerland with me. When they left, I shed some small tears. I thought I will be really sad about being alone here but then I realised that I don’t have to do that and I actually cannot do that because I am the one that chooses to leave the country and starts a new chapter somewhere else.
I read some random quotes somewhere on Instagram before and I quote this loosely:
When it’s time to change, the universe will make it so uncomfortable for you to stay that you don’t really have the choice but leave. That was what happened to me.
That was what happened to me. Don’t get me all wrong now. I love my life in my city. I am one of those spoiled VIP’s daughter with maids and drivers. If you tell this to the Europeans, they would think I am a princess. I am not but I certainly behaving like one, sometimes. A reasonable princess that is.
I have everything, and I actually can get everything that I want.
However, that means nothing when your soul is exhausted.
I have a little theory of why I was not as sad as I thought I will.
One of the reason is that I don’t think I have so much left at home. What I have is either material in nature or solid in nature. You don’t have an emotional attachment to material things. It’s very replaceable. At least that is how I felt.
And for the one that solid in nature – what I meant was my friendship and relationship with my friends and family back home. I know what I have with them is solid that I probably won’t lose them just because I am 12,000km away.
Moreover, everyone’s life is moving towards different direction now. As we are getting older, we have other things in life that we want to achieve. After my friend Najwa got married a few years ago and have a baby boy who is my beloved godson, I realised that when people want to make a choice in their life, they will not think twice and that is when changes took place and you have to embrace those changes. My friends’ lives are all taking different directions now. We are moving to a different way. It’s not a bad thing. I think it’s amazing that we are still so closed through all these changes.
It’s not a bad thing. I think it’s amazing that we are still so closed through all these changes.
I think it’s amazing that we are still so closed through all these changes.
I, on the other hands, was craving for changes. I can feel it in my bone.
Another theory of my emotional resilient is because I am so much older now. When I moved to The Netherlands almost 10 years ago, I was a 24 year old girl. I don’t know much about heartbreaks, disappointment and betrayals as much as I do now. The worst thing that happened to me at that point of my life was when my brother died at the age of 18. I was 21. It was very sad. It was traumatising, really.
But then again, there are also a lot of other things that can make you sad too. I am 33 now. There were a million of unfortunate events that can occur in 10 years which has the possibility to change a person to the core. I am not saying that I am a superwoman with no emotion. I still cried over a sad movie or videos of a very good singing auditions that I watch on Youtube. What I am saying is that, those phrases where people said, what didn’t kill you will make you stronger?
It is really true.
So back to the story of today. After the date with that cute guy name Hans, I went to get a coffee by myself and read a book. I look up from inside of the cafe to the blue sky, and I was really grateful.
I am really, really grateful. All the heartbreaks and bad memories and sadness that I felt throughout 2016 slowly dissipated through the blue sky and fresh air. I am a hopeful, optimistic, fun-loving person again. My soul is slowly being restored. I smile by myself.
In my heart, I miss a lot of people back home.
I miss my parents, my family and my friends. I really do. But there are a part of me, that is really grateful for this opportunity that I can take to fix my soul.
My exhausted, dying soul.