My Little Brave Heart

Last night, I had a little dinner party in my kitchen.

Prior to that, I was on the verge of almost crying.

During the day, I don’t actually have a very good mood. Reading has become really heavy these days, and part of doing a PhD is to feel very lost. At this point, I am already so lost. It’s like the more I read, the more things I have to read and I can’t help but feeling really exhausted. I consulted my friends that are doing PhD at the moment or already gained their Doctorate, and all of them are telling me, what I am feeling right now is really normal.

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Yesterday, today, the next 4 years

Our brain is really an amazing thing. There are so many thinking processes happening at the same time.

As I walked home yesterday from the campus yesterday, I also can’t help but feel rather lonely. I think it’s part of the process of moving to another country. You don’t actually have anyone here as a support system and all your friends back home already move on with their life. But then I realised, you can feel lonely everywhere. Not only abroad. I think feeling rather lonely abroad is very normal. It is actually worse to feel lonely when you are basically at home.

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I was thinking maybe I should go on dates or have a boyfriend while I am here to pass time. Maybe I should change men every couple of weeks because that will make the whole process of moving to another country easier (plus the possibility of having sex a few times a week is not bad) but then I realised I don’t even want to do that.

I mean for what, really? Because I am lonely?

We all have our share of loneliness. But then again, I am also reminded of how loved I am. I am so loved by the people around me, adored by some men that want to be with me and I literally have friends at every corner of this earth. What am I complaining about, actually? Why I am being a weak ass little bitch?

The reason why I move to another country is that I want to see how I am adjusting to living in another country and dealt with all these living abroad bullshit all on my own. Will I able to adjust to the whole situation or will I run back to the comfort zone every chance that I got?

And then when I got home, there was my housemate, and two of her working colleagues in the kitchen. With a broad smile, they welcome me in the kitchen. They passed me a glass of wine. “Looks like you can use a glass of wine.” I smiled. I was tired but I was happy to have people in the house that care enough to notice how bad my mood was.

They then told me not to worry. “Maria, go rest in your room. Once the food is ready I will call you.”

That is amazingly sweet. And so I have to male chefs cooking for me, while I sat there having a glass of wine and watched The Big Bang Theory on my iPad.

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I love those two lovely guys for cooking but if you can also dance like these two morons over here, it will really fix my mood

 

I think if you are thinking of living abroad, especially by yourself, you might want to consider a few things. Living abroad by yourself is going to be hard, but it’s not impossible. Make sure you know all the emergency numbers because you are going to be taking care of yourself and there is a big possibility that no one will be there for you. You got to be mentally strong. I can’t say that I am mentally strong but so far I have not given up yet so I guess as far as I know I am strong – hopefully until the end of this journey.

You got to be mentally strong. You have to have a little brave heart. Like my little brave heart.

I can’t say that I am mentally strong but so far I have not given up yet so I guess as far as I know I am strong – hopefully until the end of this journey.

You got to be open for possibilities and interactions with new people. You have to have an open mind and you have to be proactive in establishing friendship especially if you are living in the country like The Netherlands or Switzerland where the people are generally quite closed. By proactive I mean, go out and meet people. Join a gym, yoga classes, some sports, dancing class, go to a bar – whatever you know.

So this post today is for me to share a little bit of my day yesterday. Got to go back to work.

Kisses.

 

 

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